CAKE NEWS! Issue 7

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Welcome to cake news – a lighter take on Fake News!

Your weekly antidote to the real-life-news… and a delve into what is going on up in the Alps?!

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Issue 7

A MEAT MOGUL IS GETTING GREEDY FOR THE WORLD’S LARGEST SKI AREA

US Billionaire, Hank Bosewick Jnr III [pictured], has launched an audacious attempt to purchase France’s Three Valleys. Fast-food mogul Bosewick, from Louisville, Kentucky, created the Hank-Burger empire in his home state in 1976. Today, Hank Burger boasts 6,845 branches across the United States – making it the third most populous fast-food brand in the country.

Bosewick’s most recent project, Hank-Land: The ThemePark, has achieved it’s goal as officially the world’s largest theme-park, overtaking Walt Disney World Resort by 30 sq-m.

Although he has never skied, nor travelled outside the USA, Bosewick was initially attracted by the Three Valleys’ status as the world’s largest ski area and further investigations only bolstered his desire to complete the purchase. According to Bosewick: “The potential to monetise the villages of the Three Valleys is insane – the nearest MacDonalds is 40km away for crap’s sake! Within the first year of owning the Three Valleys, I could have 15 Hank Burgers up and running and y’all in France will have Kentucky’s finest to thank!”

As well as the fifteen restaurants, Bosewick also plans to install ski-in/ski-out Hank Burger Express outlets across the slopes: customers would place an order at the bottom of a magic carpet and pick up their meal at the top to enjoy on a sunny terrace.

And it doesn’t stop there. A media leak suggests Bosewick’s plans to rename the Three Valleys resorts:

  • Méribel will be re-born as MEGA-bel
  • Courchevel will now be known as Coors-chevel in a joint deal with the Molson Coors Brewing Company
  • And Val Thorens will now be referred to as Val AWESOME

CAKE NEWS approached the Mairie of Les Allues for comment and the following statement was provided, by David-Patrice-Marc le Planneur: “Non dans une month de dimanches…

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