CAKE NEWS! Issue 10

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Welcome to cake news – a lighter take on Fake News!

Your weekly antidote to the real-life-news… and a delve into what is going on up in the Alps?!

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Issue 10

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CANCEL CULTURE’S LATEST VICTIM: SKIING

Skiing is a wonderful sport, but is it too difficult, or too dangerous? Concerned Guardian reader, Mumsnet Moderator & PTA Coordinator, Susan Hodges, explains how she would make it a safer and better past-time for all…

Stay on piste

The temptation to go “under the rope” to experience some deep and fluffy powder off-piste should be removed from skiers… I would recommend barbed wire fencing at the sides of every piste to make sure that all downhillers stay in between the markers on nicely-groomed pistes. We have to think of the children. In more dangerous resorts such as Chamonix & Val d’Isere, I would urge lift pass operators to also consider armed guards with patrol dogs behind the fences to keep everyone in line.

One at a time

We don’t go to the local swimming baths and all pile down the flumes together and so why should we risk life and limb skiing together? We have to think of the children and so my plan is to have a traffic light system in place so that only one skier is on a piste at any one time… at busier times on longer pistes, the piste can be split into sections of at least 500 metres. When one skier passes a designated point the light at the top changes to amber, the piste-bashers come onto the piste to make it safe & flat and, when completed, the light changes to green for the next thrill-seeker to start skiing.

Conditions

In-line with my suggestions, skiing will cease temporarily when the temperature falls below 0C because people really are taking their lives in their own hands by being in a mountain environment in winter – we have to think of the children. Lifts will also cease to run if it starts snowing or a fog descends to below 30m above the ground level. Any rain means closure of the lift system for a minimum of 48 hours lest ice forms on the slopes.

Alcohol

This is one of my red lines; absolutely zero tolerance on alcohol consumption within 100 miles of any ski resort. And I am not only talking about consumption at lunchtime during one’s skiing day but also in the evenings in one’s own home. I just can’t tolerate the risk of someone going overboard and not being fully sober the next day. We have to think of the children.

Noboarding

Is there anything more intimidating than a young lad scraping the edge of his snowboard along the piste behind you as you ski with your family?! The chances are he will be drunk (or, worse, stoned) and, without doubt, he will be out of control. I read an article somewhere that 98% of accidents on-piste are caused by young, male snowboarders. There’s nothing for it but to announce a complete worldwide ban on snowboarding – we absolutely have to think of the children.

 

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