CAKE NEWS! Issue 12

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Welcome to cake news – a lighter take on Fake News!

Your weekly antidote to the real-life-news… and a delve into what is going on up in the Alps?!

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Issue 12

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NO PACE CAN MATCH SEASONNAIRES ON A POWDER DAY

As the Olympics in Tokyo comes to a close, the gaze of the five rings has already shifted to Paris 2024. The nation of France is incredibly excited to host the games, after their application was pipped by London in 2012. France’s Alpine regions share this excitement and are revelling in the proposal of a new Olympic event.

At each Olympic Games, host nations are entitled to propose a new medal sport or demonstration sport (‘demonstration sports’ being played at the games to increase popularity and awareness, but not with medal status). The Tokyo games saw baseball, karate, sport climbing, surfing and skateboarding introduced as full medial sports.

France are expected to submit an official application for new sport ‘Alpine Endura’ – a combination of four events. The sport takes place like a modern pentathlon – ongoing and in one arena but, in contrast to combination sports like triathlon, athletes can choose the order they perform each of the events. In fact, athletes are at liberty to start multiple events at once, for maximum time efficiency. Points are awarded for being the athlete with the fastest time to complete all four events and bonuses for quality of execution. Points are deducted if judges deem an event incomplete, or completed in a low-quality manner.

The events, inspired by France’s love for its snowy regions and chalet culture, are as follows:

Bake a cake
Make a bed
Clean a bathroom
Prepare a log fire

Athlete development programmes are already up and running, drawing on a proven talent pool of ex-seasonnaires.

Vivienne Le Blanc runs Choucas Chalets and says she first noticed her chalet staff were completing tasks, at a competitive speed, on bluebird days only: “It took me a little while to realise, but when the sun was out and fresh powder had fallen, the staff would complete their morning tasks in double-time. I was shocked, but it showed me their potential.” The pandemic put last season on hold; but rather than make her staff redundant, Le Blanc enrolled them in an Alpine Endura training programme and they are now hopefuls for 2024.

News of the new sport hasn’t got everyone excited, however. Complaints have been lodged by countries including The Netherlands, The Maldives and Bangladesh – their flat topography and lack of snowy mountains means they don’t find the Alpine Endura to be an inclusive or accessible sport. Furthermore, Brexit’s barriers to UK staff securing chalet jobs in the Alps could impact our future success in the sport.

The current favourites for the medal podium are, unsurprisingly, France, Italy and Switzerland. However, strong seasonnaire communities of Australians, Irish and Brits will give them a run for their money.

 

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The vast majority of these endorsements and statements are fabricated, satirical, ironic or fantastical. Please enjoy with a large pinch of salt.
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