CAKE NEWS! Issue 13

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Welcome to cake news – a lighter take on Fake News!

Your weekly antidote to the real-life-news… and a delve into what is going on up in the Alps?!

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Issue 13

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MÉRIBEL’S NEW COVID TACTICS BRING NET GAIN

The initiative, known locally as NOvid, has been designed to ensure that no Covid-19 virus particles are able to penetrate Méribel’s defence between 11-Dec-2021 and 17th Apr-2022, therefore meaning that the ski season can go ahead uninterrupted.

The first thing that travellers to Méribel will notice is a large span of netting that has been erected around Méribel. According to NOvid Chief Executive Officer, Jean-Claude le Boss: “Data from the Mottaret School of Immunology shows that Covid particles can jump to a maximum of 7.5m from the ground and so notre netting will be 10m high to ensure they cannot get through” . The netting will span the entire ski area: from the entrance at Les Allues, over to Roc de Fer, along the ridge of Tougnete to Col de la Chambre, over the Valley to Mont Vallon, down the ridge of Saulire to Col de la Loz. It will encompass Méribel Village and link back to Les Allues. Les Allues will be the only entrance point and this will be guarded day & night by repatriated members of the French Foreign Legion who will also patrol the entire netting on skis. They have orders to shoot-to-kill any suspicious looking viruses or particles.

Visitors to Méribel will be able to gain access via a single entrance point on the D90 (by La Chaumiere) in Les Allues. All vehicles will be meticulously checked by highly-trained staff with magnifying glasses. In spite of the additional precautions, NOvid Chief Operation’s Officer, Maire-Claire l’Organiseur, feels there will be no unnecessary delays in people getting to Méribel: “There will be no unnecessary delays in people getting to Méribel.”

Local pontificator, Cyrille-Franck le Mouth, also claims that these measures will give Méribel a competitive advantage over other local resorts: “We do not like ze posh idiots over in Courchevel… or Cough-chevel as we now call it… we will point ze snow-blowers down from ze top of Saulire so that any Covid particles trying to get into Méribel will find themselves – literally – on a slippery slope down to Cough-chevel!!!

The Chalet Company will be making sure all chalets are super-clean without the use of netting nor snow-blowers and they will not be staffed by members of the French Foreign Legion!

 

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The vast majority of these endorsements and statements are fabricated, satirical, ironic or fantastical. Please enjoy with a large pinch of salt.
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